Loving one’s self is sometimes a tough thing to do. Sometimes I for one will look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I am still here, I am not worth anything. Reality is that is not true, but it is a feeling that happens to me most of the time. I have always felt worthless, and I never remember a time when my family ever said they are proud of me. But, should I really let their word destroy my faith in myself? The simple answer is no, none of us should ever allow the words of others to destroy us. But, how can we ignore or at least not let those words have such an impact on our lives?
First, we need to look to God. Yes, I know you have heard that if you give your burdens to the lord, he will carry them for you. If you have faith and trust in God, he will sustain you. Have you ever felt that you do all of that, but yet nothing changes? Maybe, you are really not giving all over to the lord. I for one have a tendency to pray that God will take the burden from me but either I really never let it go, or I take it back. How can we honestly give all our burdens over to the Lord if we continue to dwell on them and fear them? Could you say by doing that we are not trusting that God will really take care of us?
For me, now in my life, I am struggling. Heck, I have been struggling since I got my divorce back in 2014. I was working, but the majority of my paycheck went to health insurance and working with the school district I only got paid when the kids were in school. So over Christmas there was no pay, over the summer no pay. I found myself getting back into debt even though I had previously filed bankruptcy. I am still in debt, and at times I have made some headway of climbing out only to be knocked down deeper due to unforeseen medical expenses or homeownership issues. Recently I have gotten caught up in the payday loan circle. I am trying to get out of that desperately, now on top of that my car needs repairs. So much that I can not drive it and there is no money to pay for the repair. So, how do I get myself out of the MESS I got MYSELF into. Yes I am taking ownership of the mess I am in.
Before anyone suggests sending my daughter back to public school, that will NOT happen. I have my reasons, and I fell it is in the BEST interest and SAFTY of my daughter. With no working car or busses that run out by me I have to find work either at home or in walking distance or work both. There is a McDonalds close by and a grocery store where I could possibly get a job. I am also applying to work with VIPKid teaching Chinese students English online. There is another possibility of taking in a roommate, but I need to get my house really cleaned up first.
Since my divorce, I have really been depressed. I put on a brave face and try to act as if everything is fine, but reality is I feel completely and utterly alone. My family is back in Texas and the last time I saw them was my mom’s funeral back in 2011. In actuality my depression started before my divorce it started when I separated from my husband at the same time my mom passed away.
With all that said, I am going to try and dig myself out of this mess. I am working on cleaning up my house and back yard, finding a job or jobs and will still homeschool my daughter. There will need to be sacrifices. I don’t do much for myself so sadly my daughter may need to drop out of her Chorus and play which are her means of socialization. That may have to happen because I have no way of getting her to those activities. I hate to have to do that to her because I know she needs that, but I can only do so much. Being alone stinks, and not having a family to be a support base really sucks. However, I can not let it keep me down. I am going to stay focused on God and bettering my situation.
No comments:
Post a Comment