Overcoming Stuggels: The Begining of the Road

Loving one’s self is sometimes a tough thing to do.  Sometimes I for one will look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I am still here, I am not worth anything. Reality is that is not true, but it is a feeling that happens to me most of the time. I have always felt worthless, and I never remember a time when my family ever said they are proud of me. But, should I really let their word destroy my faith in myself? The simple answer is no, none of us should ever allow the words of others to destroy us. But, how can we ignore or at least not let those words have such an impact on our lives?

First, we need to look to God. Yes, I know you have heard that if you give your burdens to the lord, he will carry them for you. If you have faith and trust in God, he will sustain you. Have you ever felt that you do all of that, but yet nothing changes? Maybe, you are really not giving all over to the lord. I for one have a tendency to pray that God will take the burden from me but either I really never let it go, or I take it back. How can we honestly give all our burdens over to the Lord if we continue to dwell on them and fear them?  Could you say by doing that we are not trusting that God will really take care of us? 

For me, now in my life, I am struggling. Heck, I have been struggling since I got my divorce back in 2014. I was working, but the majority of my paycheck went to health insurance and working with the school district I only got paid when the kids were in school.  So over Christmas there was no pay, over the summer no pay. I found myself getting back into debt even though I had previously filed bankruptcy. I am still in debt, and at times I have made some headway of climbing out only to be knocked down deeper due to unforeseen medical expenses or homeownership issues. Recently I have gotten caught up in the payday loan circle. I am trying to get out of that desperately, now on top of that my car needs repairs. So much that I can not drive it and there is no money to pay for the repair.  So, how do I get myself out of the MESS I got MYSELF into. Yes I am taking ownership of the mess I am in.

Before anyone suggests sending my daughter back to public school, that will NOT happen. I have my reasons, and I fell it is in the BEST interest and SAFTY of my daughter. With no working car or busses that run out by me I have to find work either at home or in walking distance or work both. There is a McDonalds close by and a grocery store where I could possibly get a job. I am also applying to work with VIPKid teaching Chinese students English online. There is another possibility of taking in a roommate, but I need to get my house really cleaned up first.

Since my divorce, I have really been depressed. I put on a brave face and try to act as if everything is fine, but reality is I feel completely and utterly alone. My family is back in Texas and the last time I saw them was my mom’s funeral back in 2011. In actuality my depression started before my divorce it started when I separated from my husband at the same time my mom passed away.

With all that said, I am going to try and dig myself out of this mess. I am working on cleaning up my house and back yard, finding a job or jobs and will still homeschool my daughter. There will need to be sacrifices. I don’t do much for myself so sadly my daughter may need to drop out of her Chorus and play which are her means of socialization. That may have to happen because I have no way of getting her to those activities. I hate to have to do that to her because I know she needs that, but I can only do so much. Being alone stinks, and not having a family to be a support base really sucks. However, I can not let it keep me down. I am going to stay focused on God and bettering my situation.

The Perfect Church: Waht is It?

Part of the process of me finding myself is finding a church home where I feel TRULY welcomed and accepted. I want to feel like I belong there and that my daughter belongs there. More importantly, I want to feel like we both can grow in our walk with God and grow individually. There is a link, in my opinion, between one's spirituality and self-esteem, and knowing who you truly are. I sometimes find myself looking for a new church home. I guess I just have never found the right fit for me. But, how do we find that right fit, and is there a perfect church for anyone? The second part to that question is easy, I think, NO there is not an ideal church for everyone.  No church is perfect because the church is truly just a body of believers. They are all humans and make human mistakes, so how can a church be perfect. We can at least find one where we feel more comfortable. I often think of the song that I learned as a child, you know the one where you intertwine your fingers together and sing. “ I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together. All who follow Jesus all around the world Yes we’re the church together. The Church is not a building; the Church is not a steeple; the church is not a resting place; the Church is the people. (This is where you show your hands together and lift up your pointer fingers to show a steeple, then open your hands with fingers still intertwined to show the people) I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together….”

When looking for a church home for me, it is essential if they follow the teachings in the Bible. Yes, this can get a bit challenging, depending on how you interpret the Bible’s teachings. Instrumental music or not, communion every Sunday or not, is just a few issues that I know exist. Oh, you can’t forget infant baptism or not. Some of these I feel are only issues that really don’t matter. Now, don’t get upset I did say SOME of these, to me infant baptism is a vitally important one. I fell that when a person is baptized, they are making an outward commitment to God, how can an infant know to do that and make that kind of commitment.

One thing that is also an issue in some of the churches I have attended comes down to homosexuality. Now, don’t get me wrong (yes, I know it is a HOT topic) I do believe the Bible has strict views against homosexuality. I believe that if a person comes out and says that they are homosexual, bisexual or anything that goes against the heterosexual (man & women) teaching then they should not be allowed to have a leadership position in the church. They should not work with children ALONE in the church.  Noticed I said ALONE!!!! This also goes for any person working with children, not one person should ever be allowed to work alone in a classroom with children.
Furthermore, the person who admits to being homosexual, bisexual, Pan, etc. should NOT be told to leave the church. Remember, Christ was friends to sinners that is who he helped. I know of a church that onetime told a young lady to leave the church because she was bisexual, but the same leadership told a grown man who was found to be a predator that he should just stay away from the women and children. Why is there a difference? These are the individuals that need to be in the body of Christ to learn what the scriptures truly tell us.

A church should NOT judge anyone. The bible even warns about us judging others. Now there is a fine line that can be blurred. Sometimes, when a Christian approaches someone, they see sinning and the point it out to them with the use of scriptures, it can be thought of judging. It really is not judging, because we are told to show others what the true word of God by lovingly using scripture. Think about how Christ approached sinners in scriptures, how did he show them to way to live their lives.

Have I found the right church for me? I am not sure, the church I attend has sometimes failed me in my time of need. Other times it has gone far, and above any need, I may have. I do have one instance where the church I attend now failed me in a way that broke my spirit. I asked for help about my daughter with a specific and possible life-threatening issue, and they did nothing. I was left to deal with it on my own and try to help her through it all alone. Yes, it still bothers me, and sometimes when I attend, which is almost every week, I still feel as if the body there does not care. Like many though I hide behind my smile and try to act as if all is ok. I think this is one reason why I hate asking them for help because when it really mattered, they did nothing.

Lately, my daughter and I have been doing our nightly devotionals based on self-improvement, or ones that deal with overcoming fear and anxiety. I have found that many of these have brought insight into my own life. We use different plans found on YouVerson Bible app and read through them every night.  One plan we recently did was The End of Me by Kyle Idleman, one night focused on humbling yourself.  On this particular night, the devotional ended with ways we could humble ourselves.

§  To humble myself, I voluntarily confess my sin.

§  To humble myself, I give sacrificially and anonymously.

§  To humble myself, I treat others better than myself.

§  To humble myself, I ask for help

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time doing some of these things. I honestly have the most challenging time with the last one, asking for help. I feel like a burden to others when I ask for help. However, as Christians are, we not supposed to help others? I think that most Christians have a hard time willingly, unconditionally, and anonymously helping others. I believe that as Christians or just humans, we all can take a lesson from the Amish communities. Think about how they come together as a community to help each other in time of need. If one family loses their barn to a fire, the community comes together to rebuild the barn. No questions asked, and the family doesn’t even need to ask for the help it is just done. I think about that and wonder what does that say about me as a Christian, should I not at least do the same?

There have been times when I have asked for help, and not one person has helped or even reached out to me. When this happens, I wonder why I should bother asking. So, when the next time I need help arises, I stay silent. I am not perfect about helping others, but I do try to reach out in some way to the person asking, even if it is to just say I am praying for you.

On Sunday mornings during the offering, I often feel very uncomfortable. I feel as if all eyes are on me. I often think they are watching to see if I put money into the plate as it is being passed around.  I know this may or may not be the case, but sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming. Yes, we should tithe and give sacrificially, but we also should do it in secret and not be boastful about our giving. This also applies to other ways to give, our time, our resources, our knowledge. In today’s age of technology, people can give to the offering over the internet, so when the plate is passed, they do not place money into the plate because they have already done so. Still, is it possible that some sit and watch they not put funds in and judge them for it not knowing what has previously happened?

So, I know my thoughts are kind of all over the place here, but I say all of this for one reason.  I am not perfect, and I know that I need improvement. It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.

 

A New Begining: Let the Journey Begin!

It has been an extremely long time since I posted to this blog. I hope to do better as I redevelop the direction I would like this blog to go. It is kind of like our lives, we are always evolving and growing. At least, I hope I am still evolving and growing. I believe that we all can do better with ourselves and how we treat and perceive others. This blog may first come off as sounding very negative, and in fact, it will be to an extent. Again, bear with me because as it develops, it WILL become more positive.

For a long time, I have always felt worthless, I felt and still do feel like a failure at everything, no matter how hard I tired. I was doomed to fail, and there really is no use in trying. But that is not true because none of us are failures. Yes, we may fail at certain things we try, but that does not mean that we are ultimate failures at everything. In my life right now, I am trying to figure out a lot of things. What direction should I take with my life, what path is the Lord trying to tell me to take. I must consider my daughter in all of this and what is in HER best interest. I feel so alone in this, although I know I honestly am not. There are people in my life that are trying their best to tell me what to do and how I should live my life. They always are trying to prove me wrong, by telling me what has worked for them and their families and what will work best for me. Everyone is different what worked for on will not necessarily work for another. I am a single mom living in an area where I have no blood family. I feel I can not lean on anyone. I feel like there is not anyone that would be there for me 

UNCONDITIONALLY.  I know this may not be true, but I do feel it, and I feel like I am the only one that is going through this and feeling the same way.

Things I am working on now is, what should I do to make sure my bills are paid. Do, I stop homeschooling my daughter and put her back into public school? Knowing that the last time she was in public school, they failed her. They allowed her to struggle with grades all year, changing grades just so she would not fail a class. Allowing students to bully her, ultimately driving her to do self-harm. Right now, even if I wanted to go out and find a job, it would have to be one, I could walk to because my car is not drivable. Instead, I should not drive it, or it can cause more damage. I want to work from home if possible, but the things I have tried like MLM’s have all failed. I will not give up on finding what is best for my daughter and me. This is for me to find and decided no one else can tell me what is best for me. I would never tell anyone what they should do. Instead, I would suggest they could try this or that.

I will come out of this STRONGER and BETTER. The question is, am I all alone in my feelings or it there really others out there that feel the same way?