Overcoming Stuggels: The Begining of the Road

Loving one’s self is sometimes a tough thing to do.  Sometimes I for one will look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I am still here, I am not worth anything. Reality is that is not true, but it is a feeling that happens to me most of the time. I have always felt worthless, and I never remember a time when my family ever said they are proud of me. But, should I really let their word destroy my faith in myself? The simple answer is no, none of us should ever allow the words of others to destroy us. But, how can we ignore or at least not let those words have such an impact on our lives?

First, we need to look to God. Yes, I know you have heard that if you give your burdens to the lord, he will carry them for you. If you have faith and trust in God, he will sustain you. Have you ever felt that you do all of that, but yet nothing changes? Maybe, you are really not giving all over to the lord. I for one have a tendency to pray that God will take the burden from me but either I really never let it go, or I take it back. How can we honestly give all our burdens over to the Lord if we continue to dwell on them and fear them?  Could you say by doing that we are not trusting that God will really take care of us? 

For me, now in my life, I am struggling. Heck, I have been struggling since I got my divorce back in 2014. I was working, but the majority of my paycheck went to health insurance and working with the school district I only got paid when the kids were in school.  So over Christmas there was no pay, over the summer no pay. I found myself getting back into debt even though I had previously filed bankruptcy. I am still in debt, and at times I have made some headway of climbing out only to be knocked down deeper due to unforeseen medical expenses or homeownership issues. Recently I have gotten caught up in the payday loan circle. I am trying to get out of that desperately, now on top of that my car needs repairs. So much that I can not drive it and there is no money to pay for the repair.  So, how do I get myself out of the MESS I got MYSELF into. Yes I am taking ownership of the mess I am in.

Before anyone suggests sending my daughter back to public school, that will NOT happen. I have my reasons, and I fell it is in the BEST interest and SAFTY of my daughter. With no working car or busses that run out by me I have to find work either at home or in walking distance or work both. There is a McDonalds close by and a grocery store where I could possibly get a job. I am also applying to work with VIPKid teaching Chinese students English online. There is another possibility of taking in a roommate, but I need to get my house really cleaned up first.

Since my divorce, I have really been depressed. I put on a brave face and try to act as if everything is fine, but reality is I feel completely and utterly alone. My family is back in Texas and the last time I saw them was my mom’s funeral back in 2011. In actuality my depression started before my divorce it started when I separated from my husband at the same time my mom passed away.

With all that said, I am going to try and dig myself out of this mess. I am working on cleaning up my house and back yard, finding a job or jobs and will still homeschool my daughter. There will need to be sacrifices. I don’t do much for myself so sadly my daughter may need to drop out of her Chorus and play which are her means of socialization. That may have to happen because I have no way of getting her to those activities. I hate to have to do that to her because I know she needs that, but I can only do so much. Being alone stinks, and not having a family to be a support base really sucks. However, I can not let it keep me down. I am going to stay focused on God and bettering my situation.

The Perfect Church: Waht is It?

Part of the process of me finding myself is finding a church home where I feel TRULY welcomed and accepted. I want to feel like I belong there and that my daughter belongs there. More importantly, I want to feel like we both can grow in our walk with God and grow individually. There is a link, in my opinion, between one's spirituality and self-esteem, and knowing who you truly are. I sometimes find myself looking for a new church home. I guess I just have never found the right fit for me. But, how do we find that right fit, and is there a perfect church for anyone? The second part to that question is easy, I think, NO there is not an ideal church for everyone.  No church is perfect because the church is truly just a body of believers. They are all humans and make human mistakes, so how can a church be perfect. We can at least find one where we feel more comfortable. I often think of the song that I learned as a child, you know the one where you intertwine your fingers together and sing. “ I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together. All who follow Jesus all around the world Yes we’re the church together. The Church is not a building; the Church is not a steeple; the church is not a resting place; the Church is the people. (This is where you show your hands together and lift up your pointer fingers to show a steeple, then open your hands with fingers still intertwined to show the people) I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together….”

When looking for a church home for me, it is essential if they follow the teachings in the Bible. Yes, this can get a bit challenging, depending on how you interpret the Bible’s teachings. Instrumental music or not, communion every Sunday or not, is just a few issues that I know exist. Oh, you can’t forget infant baptism or not. Some of these I feel are only issues that really don’t matter. Now, don’t get upset I did say SOME of these, to me infant baptism is a vitally important one. I fell that when a person is baptized, they are making an outward commitment to God, how can an infant know to do that and make that kind of commitment.

One thing that is also an issue in some of the churches I have attended comes down to homosexuality. Now, don’t get me wrong (yes, I know it is a HOT topic) I do believe the Bible has strict views against homosexuality. I believe that if a person comes out and says that they are homosexual, bisexual or anything that goes against the heterosexual (man & women) teaching then they should not be allowed to have a leadership position in the church. They should not work with children ALONE in the church.  Noticed I said ALONE!!!! This also goes for any person working with children, not one person should ever be allowed to work alone in a classroom with children.
Furthermore, the person who admits to being homosexual, bisexual, Pan, etc. should NOT be told to leave the church. Remember, Christ was friends to sinners that is who he helped. I know of a church that onetime told a young lady to leave the church because she was bisexual, but the same leadership told a grown man who was found to be a predator that he should just stay away from the women and children. Why is there a difference? These are the individuals that need to be in the body of Christ to learn what the scriptures truly tell us.

A church should NOT judge anyone. The bible even warns about us judging others. Now there is a fine line that can be blurred. Sometimes, when a Christian approaches someone, they see sinning and the point it out to them with the use of scriptures, it can be thought of judging. It really is not judging, because we are told to show others what the true word of God by lovingly using scripture. Think about how Christ approached sinners in scriptures, how did he show them to way to live their lives.

Have I found the right church for me? I am not sure, the church I attend has sometimes failed me in my time of need. Other times it has gone far, and above any need, I may have. I do have one instance where the church I attend now failed me in a way that broke my spirit. I asked for help about my daughter with a specific and possible life-threatening issue, and they did nothing. I was left to deal with it on my own and try to help her through it all alone. Yes, it still bothers me, and sometimes when I attend, which is almost every week, I still feel as if the body there does not care. Like many though I hide behind my smile and try to act as if all is ok. I think this is one reason why I hate asking them for help because when it really mattered, they did nothing.

Lately, my daughter and I have been doing our nightly devotionals based on self-improvement, or ones that deal with overcoming fear and anxiety. I have found that many of these have brought insight into my own life. We use different plans found on YouVerson Bible app and read through them every night.  One plan we recently did was The End of Me by Kyle Idleman, one night focused on humbling yourself.  On this particular night, the devotional ended with ways we could humble ourselves.

§  To humble myself, I voluntarily confess my sin.

§  To humble myself, I give sacrificially and anonymously.

§  To humble myself, I treat others better than myself.

§  To humble myself, I ask for help

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time doing some of these things. I honestly have the most challenging time with the last one, asking for help. I feel like a burden to others when I ask for help. However, as Christians are, we not supposed to help others? I think that most Christians have a hard time willingly, unconditionally, and anonymously helping others. I believe that as Christians or just humans, we all can take a lesson from the Amish communities. Think about how they come together as a community to help each other in time of need. If one family loses their barn to a fire, the community comes together to rebuild the barn. No questions asked, and the family doesn’t even need to ask for the help it is just done. I think about that and wonder what does that say about me as a Christian, should I not at least do the same?

There have been times when I have asked for help, and not one person has helped or even reached out to me. When this happens, I wonder why I should bother asking. So, when the next time I need help arises, I stay silent. I am not perfect about helping others, but I do try to reach out in some way to the person asking, even if it is to just say I am praying for you.

On Sunday mornings during the offering, I often feel very uncomfortable. I feel as if all eyes are on me. I often think they are watching to see if I put money into the plate as it is being passed around.  I know this may or may not be the case, but sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming. Yes, we should tithe and give sacrificially, but we also should do it in secret and not be boastful about our giving. This also applies to other ways to give, our time, our resources, our knowledge. In today’s age of technology, people can give to the offering over the internet, so when the plate is passed, they do not place money into the plate because they have already done so. Still, is it possible that some sit and watch they not put funds in and judge them for it not knowing what has previously happened?

So, I know my thoughts are kind of all over the place here, but I say all of this for one reason.  I am not perfect, and I know that I need improvement. It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.

 

A New Begining: Let the Journey Begin!

It has been an extremely long time since I posted to this blog. I hope to do better as I redevelop the direction I would like this blog to go. It is kind of like our lives, we are always evolving and growing. At least, I hope I am still evolving and growing. I believe that we all can do better with ourselves and how we treat and perceive others. This blog may first come off as sounding very negative, and in fact, it will be to an extent. Again, bear with me because as it develops, it WILL become more positive.

For a long time, I have always felt worthless, I felt and still do feel like a failure at everything, no matter how hard I tired. I was doomed to fail, and there really is no use in trying. But that is not true because none of us are failures. Yes, we may fail at certain things we try, but that does not mean that we are ultimate failures at everything. In my life right now, I am trying to figure out a lot of things. What direction should I take with my life, what path is the Lord trying to tell me to take. I must consider my daughter in all of this and what is in HER best interest. I feel so alone in this, although I know I honestly am not. There are people in my life that are trying their best to tell me what to do and how I should live my life. They always are trying to prove me wrong, by telling me what has worked for them and their families and what will work best for me. Everyone is different what worked for on will not necessarily work for another. I am a single mom living in an area where I have no blood family. I feel I can not lean on anyone. I feel like there is not anyone that would be there for me 

UNCONDITIONALLY.  I know this may not be true, but I do feel it, and I feel like I am the only one that is going through this and feeling the same way.

Things I am working on now is, what should I do to make sure my bills are paid. Do, I stop homeschooling my daughter and put her back into public school? Knowing that the last time she was in public school, they failed her. They allowed her to struggle with grades all year, changing grades just so she would not fail a class. Allowing students to bully her, ultimately driving her to do self-harm. Right now, even if I wanted to go out and find a job, it would have to be one, I could walk to because my car is not drivable. Instead, I should not drive it, or it can cause more damage. I want to work from home if possible, but the things I have tried like MLM’s have all failed. I will not give up on finding what is best for my daughter and me. This is for me to find and decided no one else can tell me what is best for me. I would never tell anyone what they should do. Instead, I would suggest they could try this or that.

I will come out of this STRONGER and BETTER. The question is, am I all alone in my feelings or it there really others out there that feel the same way?

WE ARE SO PRICELESS

     It seems that in our society today that we would have progressed to the point where all women are place high on the pedestal of life.  Surely by now everyone would see the true value of each and every women out there. However, that is not the case women are still seen in most cases as  just mere objects or at the most a lesser/weaker counterpart to society. Will we ever get to the point where women have the value of being “Priceless”? We should always feel that way.

   How we see ourselves is so important. If we can always see ourselves as the priceless jewel God intended us to be then just maybe others will see that as well. Yes, of course there will be those in the world that will never see us as that. Feeling that we are of value  is so empowering. The way we dress, and our actions show others just how much value we place on ourselves or where we place our value.  I have seen many young and some older women dress in tight fitting clothing, that shows off all their curves and everything else. Why? Do they think that is the only way they can feel sexy, or get the attention they want? I had a friend one time that would wear a very tight fitting t-shirt, you know the kind that fit snugly over her breast and her tummy. Her jeans were so tight in order to fasten them she would have to lay down.  She was married but separated from her husband and she was always in conversations with other men and sometimes went out with them. That is a whole other topic too.  One thing I noticed was her teenage daughter would wear the same type of clothing even the shirts would be low cut to show off a lot of cleavage. I dot know about you but I surely don’t want my daughter walking around like that. The problem is Society says that is ok. It is acceptable and encouraged.  No wonder  women are seen as sex objects.  Even the clothing lines encourage this type of dressing. Look at Target and the shorts they have for little girls. Now look at what they have for little boys, there is a huge difference in the cut and length of the shorts.



In the above picture the shorts are of different brands but that should never matter. Of course the blame also falls on the maker of the shorts. Trust me they are not off the hook.

     Women, please realize that you are worth so much. Proverbs 3:15 tells us.”She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. There once was a women who never felt worthy of anyone.  She never had a boyfriend growing up. In fact the boys in school use to bark at her in the halls. She eventually met a guy and fell in love. At least she thought it was love.  Yes, she did sleep with him before marriage, but she felt that was the only way to keep him. Throughout their marriage she was always told by him, “You can be replaced with a younger model”.  Every time he said that he thought it was funny, but it cut her heart. Eventually, her heart became so full of scars. She one time asked him, if she had not slept with him before they were married would he have ever asked her to be his wife, his reply was no. What kind of value does that give her?  They did divorce, and yes he found himself a new girlfriend. Her heart is still scarred but is slowly healing.  How do I know” I am that women. I wish I would have made better choices in my past, but I know that my God forgives me of the sins, and that he loves me and see my worth.

     Not long ago I got to see the Christian band For King and Country sing at the church I attend.  These two brothers are remarkable men of God, and their families are truly blessed by them.  Their song “Priceless” is very inspirational. They have made a movie with the same title that is due out latter this year.  The lyrics of the chorus are:

I see you dressed in white
Every wrong made right
I see a rose in bloom
At the sight of you (oh so priceless)
Irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable
Darling, it’s beautiful
I see it all in you (oh so priceless)

We are so Priceless, it is time that we see our selves this way. Please take time to listen to the song. Priceless by For King and Country

No Facebook Post till After Christmas

A few days ago I decided no to post anything until after Christmas on my Facebook.  I posted that I was going to do that and that I might like a comment from someone but I would not post anything. I also stated that if anyone felt the need to contact me they could PM me, I would respond to that or call or text me.  I made this decision form many reasons. One being I am on Facebook way too much, and secondly  sometimes I will post something that I believe in and there are those that take offense to it.  Well, if I post something Biblical in nature and you take offense to it maybe you should rethink your ways.  If I take offense to something someone says about my parenting skill or  my biblical views I will consider what they said, if it offends me I try to figure out why it does. Maybe it's the Lord trying to tell me something.  No matter what I post about the Bible and scripture, I only post how I feel. I am NOT condemning anyone. I post what I read and how I understand it. Does that make it the right opinion..., NO I dont know everything and I surely dont understand everything perfectly. I do however understand that no matter what GOD Loves each of us, just as we are. Yes, he wants us to live according to his word and commands. I try, but fail at it often. But God, still loves me just like he loves each one of you no matte what or how you live your life.  Will I return to posting to Facebook after Christmas. I dont really know. A lot of times I feel that not many people really care if I do or not.

New Beginings......Yet Again

So, here we go again. A new attempt to keep my blog going.  I don't even remember when the last time I posted was.  So, now it is almost Christmas 2015, I find myself divorced and raising my daughter almost alone. I say almost because her father does see her often and helps with minimal cost of raising her.  I do wish she did not have to go visit him as much, mainly because of the lifestyle he chooses to live. Now, please don't think I am judging, I'm not I am pointing out he is not making biblical choices with how he wants to live. But, God did give each of us free will. He knows my stance on per-marital sex and living with someone outside of marriage. He knows what the Bible says about it to. However, he chooses to live according to what the world deems ok. That is his FREE WILL to Choose that.  My daughter knows it is wrong according to God, but I have also made sure she knows she still has to OBEY and HONOR her father.

I myself have no one special in my life other than my daughter.  For now I have to be ok with that. It is still difficult though this time of year.  I also am still struggling financially.  See, this past summer I felt the Lord calling me to quit my job and home school my daughter. I prayed a lot about it, but every time I turned around I heard TRUST IN ME!!!! So. I did now I feel most of the time the Lord has left me. Almost like I did what he wanted now he forgets about me. I guess deep down I know he hasn't forgotten me, but I just feel he has.

I am going back to school myself working toward my degree in Early Childhood Education. I really want this for myself. Most of my life I was treated like a failure, always compared to my sister who was honor roll. Problem with that was I have learning disabilities that make it really hard for me. So, I want to prove to myself I can do it and that I am smart.  I also am starting my own business. I need to get healthy from the inside out and loose some weight in the process. So I am now selling Plexus.  You can find my store Here. Feel free to go check out my site and ask any questions you may have about the products.

I think my next few post are going to be about Christian values.  I also want to do a future post on different denominations with in Christianity.  I hope that you will continue to follow me and invite more pepole to read what I have to say. I am not perfect by any means, so if you have a different point of view on something and can back it up Biblical scripture feel free to comment.